the first 366...

It was a leap year after all.

Last year at this time we were living here:

beautiful wasn't it.

Last Nov 12 was a Monday. I remember that morning I woke up early, around four or so, laying in bed freaking out about the almost definite need for a c-section. I hated the idea of being awake for it, but I also REALLY hated the idea of general anesthesia. Ironic that I would be thinking about that on this morning.

I had one of my bi-weekly doctor's appointments that day. My liver enzymes had already begun to rise over the weekend. One of the nurses called me in the morning to give me the heads up to pack a few things because the doctor would probably end up admitting me that day. So we went in for the appointment in the afternoon. At that time I truly thought that they would stick me in the hospital and watch me for a week or so, until ??? things got worse?? my liver ruptured?? I don't know what I thought would be the final straw, but I thought it would be something that would happen in a week or so. Not the case.

The doctor told me that they would deliver Sara that day. He said that, had he been the one reviewing my lab results that weekend, surely she would already have been born. But it was the other doctor in his practice that had not made me come in. The one that I don't really like very much.

So as I sat there in his office around three or fourish, sipping from my water bottle, I was told not to drink anything else from here on out, and my c-section was scheduled for 8pm. There was some talk of seeing if an induced natural delivery would be possible, but they decided it would be too stressful for the already tiny sure to be stressed baby, so that was nixed.

I was admitted, prepped and eventually walked myself down to the OR. The thing I was the most scared of (as stupid as it may sound, considering all the things I could have been scared about) was the spinal. I was so anti-epidural in the event of a natural birth because I didn't like the idea of anyone jabbing something into my spine. Iffy wasn't allowed into the room until after they poked me. I really wanted him in there so I could squeeze his arm while they were doing it, but I could only look at him through the door.

The anesthesiologist played The Eagles, which is crazy, because Iffy and I used to listen to them alot when we first met. In fact I kinda consider "Peaceful Easy Feeling" to be our song. "New Kid in Town" was playing when Sara was born at 8:47, crying nice and loud, or as loud as a 31 weeker could.

They didn't show Sara to me when she first came out. And there were so many people in the room huddled around the bed they laid her on while they worked on her that I couldn't even see her. Once they got her stabilized they wrapped her in a bunch of blankets, stuck her in the little plastic incubator thing and wheeled her away. I still didn't see her.

Myself, I was put on magnesium sulfate (a blood pressure lowering drug) as soon as she was out of me, put in the ICU and the rest of the night was a blur. That stuff knocks you out. Iffy went back and forth between me and Sara. Took pictures of her to show me. The NICU doctor came in and talked to us. I called people. But the memories of all of this are recalled as if through a fog. The night ended, and I still had not seen my baby

The next morning a nurse came in gave me a pump, and told me I needed to start pumping if I was going to breastfeed. I had been planning to, I just wasn't thinking about it at that time. I am glad she did that.

I got moved from the ICU to a postpartum room around 3 pm or so. And was FINALLY able to see my baby at about 4 pm. 20 hours after she was born.

Up until I actually saw her I had kept telling myself (and really believing) that she was fine. She was 31 weeks, she was at a stage of development that she would be fine on the outside. But once I saw her, that all went out the window. She was SOOO tiny and hooked up to so many tubes and machines. The doctor was talking about checking for brain bleeds, doing x-rays and all this other scary sounding stuff. I know it was all routine, but it was still scary as hell.

And so we settled into the NICU. I stayed in the hospital the maximum length insurance would cover after a c-section (4 days) It eventually became less and less scary to see Sara laying there. The first 3 days passed without incident, and if any of the really bad scary life changing stuff is going to happen, the stats say 95% of it will happen in those first three days.

A year later we have a beautiful, perfect little girl. Still tiny, but wobbling around on her first steps with six teeth in her mouth. Perfectly normal and average.

And average is good.

Here's the photo montage that surely you knew was coming...

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